Browsing Category : Our sunshine baby

Mamas out there who have lost a baby, or anyone who has lost someone they love so dear, do you ever have those days where everything is going pretty well and out of the blue, something hits you like a ton of bricks? That reminder {again} that who you lost is not here. That reminder of the piece of your heart you will never get back. It happened to me today. It happens every once in a while, but this time it was different. I was minding my own biz, gettin’ my watercolor on and I decided to listen to Ed Sheeran. A girl at the yoga studio where I work out was listening to him yesterday, and I thought, why not check him out? Good background music as I let my creative juices flow.

{Isn’t this kinda fun?! Check out the tutorial here.}

I let his playlist on Spotify go through the whole album, but I couldn’t get through the whole album because his song “Small Bump” hit such a deep part of my heart. All I could do was listen to it over and over and let the tears flow. I emailed the song to PK and told him if we ran out of water think I could watercolor with my tears. Haha. Kidding, but not kidding. I turned into a hot mess real quick.

Listen to it here:

The reason I say that this reminder of Elston was different is because it had an incredible beauty to it. So many of the reminders of him lately have been frustrating, and {in my mind} not fair. Today it felt healing. It was a reminder that I am not alone. Not alone as we dreamed of him and made plans while he was still alive. Not alone in my wondering why he had to leave so soon. This song is so beautifully written and my heart sings it loud to our sweet baby. Halfway hoping he can hear me and feel my love for him but also knowing he is with Jesus experiencing a love so pure. A love this world can’t give.

Here are the lyrics to the song:

You’re just a Small Bump unborn, Four months you’re brought to life,
You might be left with my hair, but you’ll have your Mother’s eyes,
I’ll hold your body in my hands be as gentle as I can, and now your scan on
My unmade plans,
Small bump four months then brought to life

I’ll whisper quietly, I’ll give you nothing but truth,
If your not inside me, I’ll put my future in you

Cause you are my one, and only.
And You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh you are my one, and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you’ll be alright.

Your just a small bump unknown and you’ll grow into your skin.
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice.
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide a small bump, in Four months
You’ll open your eyes.

And You can lie with me, with your tiny feet when your half asleep, I’ll leave You be.
Right in front of me for a couple weeks.
So I can keep you safe.

Cause you are my one, and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh you are my one, and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you’ll be alright.

Your just a small bump unborn just four months then torn from life.
Maybe you were needed up there but we’re still un-aware as why

I am one wrecked mama missing her baby like crazy, with one grateful heart to God. For giving me this song and for the assurance that He indeed holds our sunshine baby close.

One early-ish morning last week my dear friend Cassi called me up.

We always joke that we are already turning into little old ladies because we call each other earlier and earlier in the mornings as the years pass. I think she even called me before 8am one day but I was up and probably on my second cup of coffee.

 I’m not sure what I was doing when she called, but I wasn’t able to answer for some reason. Just a few minutes later she texted me saying that she had an incredible dream about our baby Elston and to not listen to the voicemail she left because she was a blubbering mess trying to explain it to me. I love that she left me a message like that and I love that she is one of those kinds of friends.

I called her back not too long after and she explained the dream to me.

I had her write it down so I could remember it. So, here it is:

“I was in a room that was filled with light and there was a little boy sitting at a table with blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He was about 3 or so. I sat across from him and asked him questions. He wasn’t looking at me though. It was like his eyes were filled with the glory of the Lord and he was looking beyond me to something greater. He was at such peace and very calm. He didn’t say any words, he would only nod or shake his head. I asked him, “Do you know your Mommy and Daddy miss you a lot?” and he nodded as he continued to look peacefully beyond my eyes to something more important and worthy of his gaze, which I believe was God! It was so powerful and moving. I feel honored that God allowed me to have this dream and recall it.

I really believe it was God inspired.”

My jaw dropped and tears overwhelmed my eyes.

I don’t know too much about dreams and how they work but I really do believe that God does work through them. There are stories upon stories of that kind of stuff and God worked in dreams in the Bible. I feel like I can’t deny the fact that He works through ’em. Here’s the crazy part, take a look back to the dream I had a few months ago about Elston here.

I don’t think this is just some random coincidence. I really believe we had dreams of the same boy and I believe that boy was our sweet sunshine baby. I take these dreams and receive them as gifts from the Lord. No matter how crazy that may sound or how crazy people may think I am for believing it. I feel like it’s one of the many ways God has shown His sweet love to me during this season and His way of showing His love to one of the people here on earth that would have loved our boy so well.

Thank you Lord for these dreams. For the chance to see the baby that made me a mama. It is by your grace that I got to house him for a short while, it is by your grace that He is with you, and it is by your grace that Cassi and I got a glimpse of this sweet boy. My heart aches to see him again. In Heaven. Where we can rejoice together in Your presence.